I feel hollow and far away from God and Our Lord

I told God The Father that if I could go back in time, I would follow Our Lord Jesus Christ The Son of God and would become a disciple because God and He Is eternal and infinite and because I want God and Our Lord(and the Holy Spirit I never forget it) to be my true family, these past 7-8 years (I’ve lost count from my grief) God has taken away nearly everyone I Care about one way or another in an attempt to follow Him and have and love only Him in my life and I try my best to follow him and within my sadness He just up and disappears leaving me in my emptiness and sadness, He doesn’t want me to feel close to Him, He doesn’t want me to be saved and be in His family, He has just abandoned me when I need Him the most

I’ve stopped focusing on my family for His sake, and praying all the time and begging for forgiveness and for my family’s protection as well as those who need Him, but my prayers fall on deaf ears and it doesn’t seem He cares.

This brings to mind Death Stranding where Amelie and Bridget are the same as person but Bridget is distant from Sam and Amelie is kind and caring , my point is that God is judgemental and distant and Our Lord Jesus Christ The Son of God and Our Saviour is the kind and caring one Who really Loves us, that’s why I have problems trusting God and because I focus more on God The Father than Our Lord I want to fix my relationship with God first Then worship both Him and The Trinity but God doesn’t listen and He won’t

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